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Recognizing triggers, protecting values, and staying steady under pressure

Who are you when you’re triggered?

Not who you want to be.
Not who you are on a good day.

Who you are when someone says the one phrase that makes your body react before your brain has a chance to catch up.

That question makes a lot of leaders uncomfortable. Mostly because many people are quick to say, “I don’t get triggered.” And every time I hear that, I know there’s something important we’re not looking at yet.

We all have trigger points. The difference is whether we recognize them or let them quietly run the room.

This reflection comes from a recent Five with Fry episode, where I spent five minutes sitting with that question and what it reveals about leadership under stress. The podcast is where I slow these moments down and talk them through out loud, naming the patterns I see again and again in leaders and teams. One of those patterns is how specific words can flip a switch before we realize it’s happening.

For me, one of the words that does this every time is “calm down.”

What I’ve learned over time is that it usually shows up when I’m already calm. The phrase doesn’t regulate anything. It dismisses what’s happening and escalates the moment. My body reacts before I’ve decided how I actually want to respond.

Triggers don’t come out of nowhere

That reaction didn’t appear randomly. And neither did yours.

Under stress, most leaders fall into familiar patterns. Some go quiet. Some get sharp. Some speed up. Some pull back. Some take over the room without realizing they’ve done it.

These aren’t personality quirks. They’re learned responses. They’re what your nervous system does when pressure hits and something old gets activated.

A lot of those responses trace back to early experiences. Family dynamics. School feedback. Moments when excitement was labeled as annoying, intensity was called too much, or speaking up didn’t feel welcome. Your body remembers those lessons, even when your adult brain knows the situation is different.

So when a word, a tone, or a look echoes that earlier experience, the reaction shows up fast.

What shows up under pressure

Most leaders can name what they value. Fewer can name how they behave when those values feel threatened.

Pay attention to what you do when things get tense.
Do you go quiet?
Do you get sharp?
Do you talk faster or take over the conversation?
Do you pull back and disengage?

These patterns matter because they shape the room long before anyone names them. People don’t respond only to what you say. They respond to your pace, your tone, and your presence when pressure is on.

You don’t get to lead past what you won’t look at

Self-awareness is not a soft skill. Emotional regulation is not optional.

If you don’t know what sets you off, you will keep reacting in ways you didn’t intend. And your team will keep responding to the reaction instead of the work.

Leadership starts with noticing what happens inside you before it shows up outside of you.

The work is catching the moment sooner

This isn’t about never reacting. That’s not realistic.

It’s about shortening the distance between reaction and recovery.

Noticing the first body cue. The tightening jaw. The quickened pace. The urge to shut down or push harder. Pausing long enough to get your footing. Asking yourself what value feels stepped on. Respect. Autonomy. Competence. Belonging.

Then choosing a response that aligns with that value instead of letting impulse take over.

Not after the meeting. In it.

What this looks like inside organizations

I hear a version of the same request from organizations all the time.

“We need our leaders to handle hard conversations better.”

What that usually means is this. Meetings get tense. Feedback lands sideways. Someone reacts faster than they realize. The conversation shifts from the decision on the table to managing tone, defensiveness, or withdrawal.

A word. A look. A phrase like “just calm down.” And suddenly the body is in charge. Pace changes. Authority sharpens. Someone shuts down. Someone takes over. The leader didn’t choose that move, but now everyone is responding to it.

How organizations change these moments

When leaders learn to recognize their own patterns under stress, everything shifts.

Teams gain shared language. Casual dismissive phrases lose their power. Conflict stops feeling dangerous and starts becoming useful again. Accountability gets clearer. Trust stops eroding quietly in the background.

This is the core of the work I do through keynotes, workshops, and facilitation. Helping organizations change how these moments play out in real time, not by avoiding conflict, but by meeting it with clarity and intention.

Conflict is already in the room

The choice is whether it runs you, or you learn how to work with it.

If you’re noticing familiar patterns in your meetings or leadership culture, that’s the place to start. With the question most people avoid.

Who are you when you’re triggered, and what would change if you chose that moment more deliberately?

And if you want support building that capacity across your organization, you can book a consult to explore what that work could look like together.

Conflict is already in the room. Learning to lead yourself through it is how everything else changes.