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How to Take Feedback Without Falling Apart (or Getting Defensive)
Feedback is something we all deal with, but let’s be honest, most of us aren’t great at it. Whether it’s at work, in relationships, or in personal growth, giving and receiving feedback is one of the most essential skills we can develop. Yet, many of us struggle with it. Either we’re too vague when giving feedback, or we get defensive when receiving it.
In this episode of Five with Fry, I take a deep dive into what makes feedback effective, why so many people resist it, and how we can shift our mindset to see feedback as an opportunity rather than an attack. I also share my own journey because, trust me, I was once the person who hated receiving feedback. But learning how to embrace it changed everything.
Giving Better Feedback: Be Specific or Be Useless
Too often, feedback is unclear and unhelpful. We say things like, “Looks good” or “You need to do better,” but what does that actually mean? These vague comments leave people frustrated, unsure of what they need to improve, and more likely to make excuses rather than take action.
Good feedback is specific and actionable. Instead of saying, “You need to do the dishes,” say, “Can you make sure there are no dirty dishes left in the sink before bed?” The difference is in the details. When feedback is precise, the recipient knows exactly what to do, making it more effective and less likely to cause frustration.
This lesson is something I’ve worked on personally, and it’s inspired by the wisdom of Wes Kao, co-founder of Maven. She says, “Looks good” is a lazy default. And she’s right. If we want people to improve, we need to provide feedback that sets clear expectations and raises the bar.
Receiving Feedback: Stop Taking It Personally
For many people, receiving feedback feels like an attack. We hear criticism, and our immediate reaction is to defend ourselves, justify our actions, or shut down completely. I know this because I used to be that person—I would put up a wall whenever someone tried to give me feedback. But the truth is that rejecting feedback doesn’t help us grow.
Over time, I realized that how I receive feedback directly impacts how much I learn. Now, instead of getting defensive, I make it a point to say, “Thank you for your feedback.” If I don’t understand something, I follow up with, “Do you mind if I ask a few questions so I can understand better?”
This small shift makes a huge difference. It keeps the conversation open, encourages others to continue giving me useful feedback, and ultimately helps me improve.
Creating a Culture Where Feedback Is Valued
Mastering feedback—both giving and receiving—isn’t just about personal growth. It also affects the way we interact in teams, relationships, and communities. If we can set a higher standard for feedback, we create environments where people feel supported and motivated to improve.
If feedback has ever made you uncomfortable—whether giving it or receiving it—this episode is for you.
Listen Now
In this episode, I break down the steps to making feedback more effective, share my personal experiences, and challenge you to rethink how you approach feedback in your own life.
So ask yourself:
- Do you give clear, useful feedback, or do you fall back on vague statements?
- Do you take feedback as an attack, or do you see it as an opportunity to grow?
If either of these is a struggle for you, you’re not alone. But the good news is, we can all get better at this.
Tune in to Five with Fry and start mastering the art of feedback today. Let me know:what’s the best or worst feedback you’ve ever received? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Connect with me on IG, Twitter, and TikTok @JenFryTalks or find me on LinkedIn at Dr. Jen Fry. Let’s keep the conversation going.
