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What does it actually mean for white women to be allies in 2025? If you think it’s about knowing more about Black women or marginalized communities—think again. In this episode of Five with Fry, I sit down with Dr. Victoria Farris to dig into something that doesn’t get talked about enough: how white women’s own conditioning holds them back from stepping fully into anti-racism work.
For decades, white women have been socialized to be nice, polite, agreeable. Many have been raised under what Victoria calls “Good Girl” conditioning—the deeply ingrained idea that they shouldn’t take up too much space, shouldn’t challenge authority, and should always prioritize harmony over conflict. This conditioning doesn’t just impact personal relationships—it directly affects how white women show up (or don’t show up) in racial justice work.
We dive into five big questions that white women need to ask themselves if they’re serious about moving from performative allyship to real change:
1. How has “Good Girl” conditioning shaped my actions?
White women are often taught that conflict is bad and that speaking up can cost them social standing. But when does this fear of rocking the boat become a way to avoid hard but necessary conversations?
2. If not me, then who?
Many white women hesitate to take action, thinking, Who am I to speak up? What if I say the wrong thing? But here’s the flip side—who are you not to? If you’re waiting for someone else to take the lead, ask yourself: Who are you expecting to do the work?
3. What am I actually willing to risk?
Allyship isn’t just about reading books or attending workshops—it requires action. And yes, action comes with risks. But let’s be honest: losing a friendship, getting side-eyed in a group chat, or making a family dinner awkward are low stakes compared to the real consequences marginalized communities face every day.
4. How am I benefiting from the status quo?
White women often push back against patriarchy but don’t always acknowledge how they benefit from white supremacy. Are you willing to challenge a system that, while oppressive in some ways, still gives you unearned advantages?
5. How am I complicit?
Staying silent, avoiding conflict, or brushing past uncomfortable moments is complicity. If you’ve ever changed the subject to keep the peace or laughed off a racist remark at Thanksgiving, it’s time to reflect on how these small actions uphold larger systems of oppression.
Allyship Means Putting Skin in the Game
A big theme of this conversation is getting comfortable with discomfort. White women have to stop prioritizing their own emotional safety over justice. We talk about how fear—of being wrong, of losing relationships, of making things messy—often holds white women back from real allyship. But as Victoria points out, true allyship has consequences.
The reality? You can’t be both comfortable and committed to justice.
So—are you ready to challenge yourself? Are you willing to lean into hard conversations, take risks, and actually put something on the line?
🎧 Tune in to this powerful episode and start asking yourself these questions. Because change doesn’t happen by accident—it happens when we choose to get uncomfortable and do the work.
